Maybe it's time for me to speak. Because I am living moments not very easy at the moment, I got a little locked up on myself, speak is the remedy. Speak the story that must be said, for oneself, heard by others as well.
How did I get there? Why me?
This cancer has opened the floodgates ...
I am often told about resilience, and I think that you are being pelted with that. I never defined myself as a resilient person. I had just learned to fight, to get up. My motto was "walk or die". I almost died ...
Everything begins in childhood, an unbalanced grandmother, filled with hatred who for reasons that belong to her decided she would hate me. She hated me with a rare tenacity! With the consent of a weak and narcissistic mother. But as the story is well done, my father was trying to be the bulwark of this psychological abuse, when he was there. And fortunately! He was my hero, my example, my rails. Little Romy, became a clown ... Like many children who seek to be loved. I became extroverted, extravagant, showy!
Sink or swim...
On the way I met the one I thought was Prince Charming. At first he was crazy in love with me, it was a good start for little Romy lurking inside, and he was really charming. To the point that my grandmother felt it worthwhile to say that in fact he could not really love me, that I was a second choice ... The building "love" took a hit. That's right! What could he see in me? The worm was in the fruit, my brain had reactivated the information "you're not beautiful, not smart ... you're worthless"
Words, this venom that is injected into young brains and poisons a whole life.
I realize very quickly that Prince Charming has a serious fondness for polygamy. The king of lies had entered my life and I thought that all that love we had would be stronger. You must be very naive to believe that! He just learned to lie better. I have not seen anything for years. He turned out to be very good at bashing, and after a few years, I realized that I was less than nothing. I was not me anymore. I had lost all confidence in myself, I had let myself go out.
And I got pregnant. A second baby. An accident (a beautiful accident).He cried with joy. Once again I did not understand anything. I was lost. I put conditions. No more adultery, cheating.. I will start working again, etc. He said yes to everything. And Anthony has arrived. And he started to fool me again.
And he began to offer me beautiful jewels, make me hopeless statements. I did not believe him anymore, but I had to hold on. Like many women for my children.
But the pain ... This pain.
I know the pain of losing someone you love. But this pain caused by betrayal is untenable. The impression that you are planting a stake in your heart and that you are bleeding. This pain, which is so much related to the pains of childhood, to abandonment, is certainly the most insupportable. All the more when you have a baby. You are so vulnerable, so fragile. A time when love should be everywhere.
Suffering pervaded everything. I was no longer able to analyze anything. Yet in this chaos, I resumed my studies. I knew that I could not go back to an airline above the age limit to resume, so I had to find work very quickly. I asked for divorce, he refused ... For two years. I lived hell. With a man who comes home and swears to you that you are the woman of his life, and who leaves in the morning to join his mistress, an absent father who does not want to hear about his children ... I cried. Rivers! Torrents! I thought I would never stop crying. I told myself "bug, where do these tears come from?" I knew it, of course. They came from little Romy, who had learned to shut up and not cry. They finally came these tears held for years. I cried for my children, I cried on this lost love, but I cried on me too.
I could have agreed to stay. A life in half hues, a life of lies and masks. A dream life certainly. It happens to me when I can not pay a bill to say "but what a fool you had everything". And a little voice whispers "everything ... and the rest!"
Sink or swim.
The disease came to remind me that I had not settled my "problems". She first hit the lungs, sadness and anger apparently * see link below
Obviously I did not understand the first time. Cancer has come to strike me right in my femininity. This femininity that had taken such a slap years ago. A slap. I had got up. I had walked.
Aziza may be the answer. Well at least it is the result. It is made of who I am. My small business is a woman who knows how it feels to forget who yo are.
So I do not know if my long, uneasy life makes me resilient, but I know how to swim!
Do not let anyone define you, never forget who you are. Respect yourself. The rest will follow!